11: Forgiveness and letting go:

Forgiveness and letting go: Carrying around grudges, bitterness, and anger is stressful and can take a lot of energy. When under stress (and when not) forgive quickly. You just don’t have the extra energy to carry around the additional burden. Many years ago while working with adults I taught a repeating workshop. During part of the workshop we talked about letting go. My partner would be with the group and I would come in late with a backpack. I would talk about how much pain I was in and how much my back hurt. Invariably someone would have the common sense to suggest I remove what was obviously a very heavy pack. At first I would ignore them; but after a while I would acknowledge their comments and concerns, and remove the pack. However; I would continue to carry this bulky and heavy back pack in my arms while opening it and one by one removing very large rocks, talking about each one. They all represented stressful events or relationships in my life. One by one, after talking about each for a while, I would allow the rock to land on the table with a thud.I remember one woman picking up a large rock while I wasn’t looking, wrapping it in tissue, and putting it into her purse. There was something she wasn’t ready to let go of and now this rock represented that burden.
Now this is something I would always explain. Some situations and events are serious enough that they need to be reported and you need to take appropriate precautions. You can forgive and let go; but at the same time, love yourself enough to never allow yourself, your children, or anyone else for that matter, to be put in the same dangerous situation again. You can let go of the hate and burdens associated with what occurred and still report to the proper authorities. Perhaps this will lead to the person getting help that s/he needs; but more importantly your report and your refusal to allow it to happen to you again, may save you, your children, or someone else.
(One often overlooked but key principle of forgiveness is not judging in the first place. While we must judge the safety of situation and even people, we seldom really know or understand their motivation and/or their own struggles.
Many years ago while a therapist in a small town, I used to tell my children that there were many people that I knew, was friendly with, and genuinely liked; however, that did not mean that they were safe. I did not want my children to assume that just because I knew and was kind to someone that they were safe for my children to be around on their own.)

The last article posted under Gratitude also spoke of the importance of forgiveness in wellbeing. The following articles provide additional information.
Meditation Lowers Stress and Supports Forgiveness Among College Students: A Randomized Controlled Trial
"Abstract:
Objective and Participants: The authors evaluated the effects on stress, rumination, forgiveness, and hope of two 8-week, 90-min/wk training programs for college undergraduates in meditation-based stress-management tools. Methods: After a pretest, the authors randomly allocated college undergraduates to training in mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR; n = 15), Easwaran's Eight-Point Program (EPP; n = 14), or wait-list control (n = 15). The authors gathered pretest, posttest, and 8-week follow-up data on self-report outcome measures. Results: The authors observed no post-treatment differences between MBSR and EPP or between posttest and 8-week follow-up (p > .10). Compared with controls, treated participants (n = 29) demonstrated significant benefits for stress (p < .05, Cohen's d = -.45) and forgiveness (p < .05, d = .34) and marginal benefits for rumination (p < .10, d = -.34). Conclusions: Evidence suggests that meditation-based stress-management practices reduce stress and enhance forgiveness among college undergraduates. Such programs merit further study as potential health-promotion tools for college populations."
http://heldref-publications.metapress.com/app/home/contribution.asp?referrer=parent&backto=issue,14,17;journal,17,81;linkingpublicationresults,1:119928,1

The effects of forgiveness therapy on depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress for women after spousal emotional abuse.

"Abstract

Emotionally abused women experience negative psychological outcomes long after the abusive spousal relationship has ended. This study compares forgiveness therapy (FT) with an alternative treatment (AT; anger validation, assertiveness, interpersonal skill building) for emotionally abused women who had been permanently separated for 2 or more years (M = 5.00 years, SD = 2.61; n = 10 per group). Participants, who were matched, yoked, and randomized to treatment group, met individually with the intervener. Mean intervention time was 7.95 months (SD = 2.61). The relative efficacy of FT and AT was assessed at p < .05. Participants in FT experienced significantly greater improvement than AT participants in depression, trait anxiety, posttraumatic stress symptoms, self-esteem, forgiveness, environmental mastery, and finding meaning in suffering, with gains maintained at follow-up (M = 8.35 months, SD = 1.53). FT has implications for the long-term recovery of postrelationship emotionally abused women. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2010 APA, all rights reserved)"

http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/ccp/74/5/920/

Process-Based Forgiveness Interventions: A Meta-Analytic Review

"Abstract:

Objective: To investigate the impact of forgiveness interventions designed to help individuals who have suffered because of betrayals, offenses, or victimization. Forgiveness is believed to be a mechanism through which individuals can experience increases in hope and positive emotions and relief from negative emotions, cognitions, and behaviors. Method: Fourteen published reports of process-based forgiveness interventions that included a comparison group are meta-analyzed. Results/Conclusions: Samples that received forgiveness interventions forgave more (effect size [ES] = .82) and enjoyed increased positive affect (ES = .81) and self-esteem (ES = .60) and less negative affect (ES = .54). Such gains were largely maintained at follow-up periods. Individually delivered programs are superior to group delivery, and some forgiveness programs are superior to others. Further moderators are discussed."

http://rsw.sagepub.com/content/18/5/465.short

Effects of a group forgiveness intervention on forgiveness, perceived stress, and trait-anger

"Abstract: The goal of this study was to evaluate the effects of a 6-week forgiveness intervention on three outcomes: (a) offense-specific forgiveness, (b) forgiveness-likelihood in new situations, and (c) health-related psychosocial variables, such as perceived stress and trait-anger. Participants were 259 adults who had experienced a hurtful interpersonal transgression from which they still felt negative consequences. They were randomized to a forgiveness-training program or a no-treatment control group. The intervention reduced negative thoughts and feelings about the target transgression 2 to 3 times more effectively than the control condition, and it produced significantly greater increases in positive thoughts and feelings toward the transgressor. Significant treatment effects were also found for forgiveness self-efficacy, forgiveness generalized to new situations, perceived stress, and trait-anger. © 2006 Wiley Periodicals, Inc. J Clin Psychol 62: 715–733, 2006."

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/jclp.20264/abstract